Columbus: Findsees Keepsies, Loosies Weepsies

Above are pages from an actual children's book telling the story of Columbus...

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Everybody hates Mondays. Right? What's more tortuous than the scream of the morning alarm reminding us that we remain enslaved by our nine-to-fives?

Thank the lord for Christopher Columbus! His national holiday falls on the second Monday of every October. That means we get an extra day after to be gloriously free to snore as loud, and as long, as we please.

Any person who makes it possible to escape the evils of a Monday morning, even temporarily, must be a truly valiant and awe-inspiring figure of greatness, right? And any person who believes I could write those words with any amount of sincerity must own the deed to an Arizona mansion with incredible ocean views. In other words, the Columbus praise is sardonic and that person is adorably naive.

Now, let’s explore the brave adventures - I mean, grave misadventures of Christopher Columbus, shall we?

LONG, LONG AGO…

Once upon a time, back during the late 1400s to early 1500s, prominent kingdoms believed they had the divine right of Dibs (staking claim on anything one sees, touches or hears about). This practice, called Findsees Keepsies, Loosies Weepsies, was sanctioned by the Roman-Catholic Church. Some refer to it as the Doctrine of Discovery. Tomato, Tomahto.

So, European empires (Italy, France, England, Spain, Portugal, etc.) began to fight wars and conquer lands in the name of Gold - er, God and were bathed in the blessing of the Holy See.

Except England which was ruled by Henry VIII, whom the church despised.

“…God bless Italy…God bless Spain…God bless France…vengefully smite England…God bless Portugal…”

THE BIRTH OF A TYRANT

Enter Christopher Columbus, the son of an Italian wool salesman, who hated the thought of spending the rest of his life choking on sheep hair. Actually, he not only hated the animal fur, he probably despised all cute furry animals.

Columbus began to think about ways to bust out of the wool business.

Concentrate, Chris! What are some cool jobs that don’t involve hair…or…animals…or lice…or customer service…

Then he kicked a baby lamb to help him think.

NAUTICAL EDUCATION

Columbus took a job aboard a merchant ship. He figured he could transition into the role of an insidious pirate and he’d only have to see animals with scales. Thus, he became a sailor until his boat crashed in Portugal.

There he read some books about navigation and math, which totally made him an expert. Columbus recalculated the findings of men like Aristotle and Ptolemy. He came to the conclusion that they were dumb, and he was smart. He was right, and they were wrong.

To prove his genius, he set out on a campaign promoting the idea that he could easily establish a new trade route. Columbus claimed he would sail directly across the Atlantic Ocean to China, collect all their spices, then sail back in time for Sunday mass.

The newly (and self) proclaimed nautical sensation and maritime explorer first pitched his plan to the monarchs of his hometown, Genoa. Request denied.

Following that initial rejection, Columbus approached Venice, then Portugal, Spain and even the eternally damned English.

THE PITCH

Columbus (probably) swaggered in and said something like,

“Hey. What’s up, guys. My name is Chris and I recently became an expert in, like, everything. Those Portuguese pinheads are doing the most, sailing all the way around Africa to get to China.

"I recalculated some math and remeasured some distances, and basically China is like next door to us. I could probably pee off the side of my boat out there and hit it if I drank enough beers.

"Ferdie, Harry – you know what I’m talking about. Am I right, fellas?”.

Then, for good measure, he throws in,

“Also, I could beat Marco Polo in a fist fight and probably, like, a relay race or something. Oh! I can control fishes and some sea monsters with my mind.”

Then Columbus drops the clincher.

“So, give me money and one - no five - ships to carry all the expensive treasures and fortune I’ll claim. When I return, I’ll just take like 10 percent of the booty (also the profits) and an awesome title.

"I was thinking maybe Supreme Boss of the People Who Aren’t Kings or Queens. Idk. We can tweak that a little. Oh, I'm doing it for God, of course. Amen.”

And the royals were all like, “That’s a no from me.”

But (plot twist) the Spanish monarchs changed their minds.

“Ha! Gotcha! We were just joking. We just won this other war for God and have some extra cash and ships. We might as well use them while we’re on a winning streak. If you are successful, we can just buy the other countries and rule the world.”

But to each other, Ferdinand and Isabella were saying, “And if he fails, he will just die and be swallowed up by the sea. No tomb, no funeral. There is no downside.”

BON VOYAGE

It was a go.

Columbus began recruiting seamen willing to follow him to the ends of the earth…dunh-dunh-duh!

This included some less-than-savory characters. The king granted get-out-of-jail-free cards to those who would risk the voyage. This was totally fine since, as it turned out, Columbus and his men were psychopaths anyway.

As we all know, the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria set sail carrying Columbus, his crew, maybe some chihuahuas or beagles, and their scurvy.

They were adrift for months and nearly out of supplies when a near-mutiny threatened the expedition. Just as the guys were ready to break El Capitano’s kneecaps and feed him to the mobs of vicious flounder below, a crew member saw dry land.

The sailor excitedly motioned to the shore, rushing to claim the bonus which was promised to the first shipmate to spot land. The reward would grant the winner an annual pension for life (true fact). However, the captain quickly shut him down saying, “I actually saw that piece of land last night already, man. You know I have eyes like a ferocious hawk, Rodrigo!”. Columbus claimed the money for himself.

FINDSEES KEEPSIES

After crashing the Santa Maria into the shore, he jumped off the ship with his Spanish flag. He stabbed it into the ground and shouted, “Findsees Keepsies, Loosies Weepsies!” at the throngs of darker skinned native “Indians” who came out to observe and welcome the new arrivals.

Columbus established Dibs on this new island off the Indies (actually the Caribbean) and began collecting his treasure. The natives were cooperative and accommodating.

To Columbus, that meant they were weak, easy targets.

The Spaniards quickly captured the Tainos and took them back to Spain for show-and-tell. Most didn’t survive the trip.

But Columbus got a pat on the back and more ships filled with soldiers and men to set up shop at their new place. So, the Spanish sailed from island to island (Cuba, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Puerto Rico) conquering the inhabitants and calling Dibs.

The new lands that Columbus claimed for God and Spain brought some gold, but not as much as he had originally hoped. The real gold mines were the crops from large plantations and a bit of light human trafficking.

But most importantly, these first colonies opened the door to other explorers and ultimately the discovery of America. Thanks to the perseverance of this determined explorer, we can all pretend America belongs to us.

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT DAY

Totally true story and completely Trump-approved. What an inspirational tale of hard work and reward. Okay, so it’s a little exaggerated.

But how is that any different from what our history books do currently?

Our annual holiday is based on a novelist’s grandiose portrayal of a man who was really no more than an honorable mention (if that) in the discovery and establishment of America. And I use the term “honorable” very loosely. Washington Irving’s The Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus (side note: this is also the guy wrote the book about a horse-riding ghost with a pumpkin head) was little more than historical fiction. It was entertainment.

And it provided us with an American hero that had zero connection to our hated British enemies. It made people feel good. What can I say? We are a shallow, shallow people.

THE TRUTH

The truth is that Americans can’t handle the truth. But here it is anyway:

1. Christopher Columbus used service to God and the Crown as an excuse to obtain what he really wanted – fame and fortune.

He was a greedy and self-serving individual. He was Italian born, but he sold himself to the highest bidder, Spain.

2. Christopher Columbus was pompous.

He refused to accept his own shortcomings. Examples? His mathematical miscalculations, his incorrect estimation of vast wealth on the discovered lands, his geographically incorrect insistence that he landed exactly where he expected to land-the West Indies, his portrayal of the Native people as heathens to justify their persecution. Which brings me to…

3. Christopher Columbus was a cruel and malevolent sociopath who, along with the men who served beneath him, contributed to the genocide of entire nations of Indigenous people.

According to Bartolome de las Casas’ Brief Account of the Devastation of the Indies, the invaders committed crimes against humanity, leading to countless deaths of Natives who would commit suicide and murder their own children as an act of mercy. Parents sought to save their children from suffering horrific acts of violence at the hands of Columbus and his men. The Spanish interlopers fed Natives to their ravenous dogs, disemboweled men and women, burned them, murdered infants, cut chunks of flesh from their bodies to test sharpness of their blades. The list goes on and on.

4. Christopher Columbus was a liar.

He wrote in his probanza de merito a very trumped up exaggerated account of the commodities and wealth that covered his new land. He did this to guarantee continued funding of expeditions in which he continually searched for a way to line his own pockets. He claimed the Natives were godless cannibals so he would be granted permission to slay or sell them as slaves meaning that...

5. Christopher Columbus was in the business of human trafficking.

He kidnapped countless Natives and forced them into packed ships, sending them overseas away from their homes and families. He sold human beings as (usually) living, breathing merchandise.

6. Christopher Columbus exploited the Tainos.

He used them to satisfy his own need for dominance and power . Some of the men refused to walk long distances and forced the Indians to carry them on their backs or in hammocks.

It’s not nearly as fun to read, is it? This raw and brutal account regarding the figurehead of our national holiday is a bit R-rated for America’s taste. Thus, Christopher Columbus was rewritten as an heroic, fiercely progressive individual who was willing to risk his life in the name of discovery and enlightenment.

I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. We enjoy a day off work/school based on a version of events amounting to what is basically just a really funny episode of Drunk History. My question to those in charge of designating holidays is this:

In today’s information age, why are we still perpetuating the Christopher Columbus myth?

It's time that we all learn historical fact, not historical fiction. Until then, we can just continue to celebrate Columbus Day by sleeping in. But I’m also adding a new tradition. I'll walk into a stranger’s house, punch him in the face and yell, “Findsees Keepsies, Loosies Weepsies!” Then, I'll just move my stuff in.

Bam! Dibs. I'll be sure everyone gets an e-vite to my housewarming party. Enjoy your discounted mattresses.