"We need to have a talk..."
This seemingly innocuous combination of words instantly incites feelings of dread (Uh-oh. What did they find out?), fear (Oh my God! Who died?), panic (Oh my god! Who did you kill?) or exasperation (No, I didn’t realize that if you scrolled back five years on my Instagram, there would still be a picture of my ex.)
And, of the countless knee-jerk reactions to a declaration of “real talk,” none are really very pleasant. That’s because if we label a conversation necessary, it becomes serious.
I mean, no one says, “We need to have a talk… about whether LeBron is greater than Jordan.”
And has anyone ever looked you squarely in the eyes and earnestly stated, “It’s time we had a conversation about our internet service provider”?
If so, then your friends are weird.
Okay, what are my options?
Since we are no longer six-year-olds, closing our eyes and plugging our ears isn’t a viable solution to difficult situations. So, our options are:
Treat the other party as if they have leprosy and avoid them at all costs
Engage the other party with a well-placed, “uh-huh…” while contemplating draft picks for our fantasy teams or making our grocery lists.
Use this as an opportunity to express our outrage that the other party would question our integrity and condemn our actions by disagreeing with/calling attention to something we’ve said or done
Agree to listen actively and consider the possibility that the other party may be able to teach us something we didn’t know or provide us with perspectives we had no way of seeing before. And even if we still (respectfully) disagree, we allow them to remain a part of our catalogs of ideas to be revisited as we conduct further research or encounter things that might support these ideas.
My go-to is usually 1, but you do you.
Now let’s get serious.
On May 25, 2020 our nation witnessed an event that resulted in a collective clutching of all our pearls. When Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin took the life of George Floyd, an unarmed Black man, a widespread realization set in over society.
The epiphany? We can no longer claim blindness when we’re confronted with this country’s most visible problem. The Uncomfortable Conversation is long overdue.
We need to talk race and racism in America.
There. I said it. I’ll take the first step toward opening this dialogue and instigating the most important conversation we will ever have in our lives. That is not an exaggeration. Well, maybe I exaggerated taking a whole step. I kind of just cringed and scooted my toe in that direction, but there was noticeable movement.
The magnitude of this discussion, however, is no exaggeration.
Racism is so deeply embedded in this nation’s crumbling foundation that it shaped our past, consumes our present and, left unchecked, will metastasize our future. It is an adaptive cancer that has plagued America for centuries. Trying to limit the spread of this disease only caused it to mutate. Today racism is nearly invisible and so quiet that it’s become background noise.
That means this sickness cunningly twisted itself into the very fabric of every social issue that exists to this day. And most of us never saw it happening.
But when the world witnessed a Black man tortured to death for 7 minutes, 46 seconds, it seemed an outraged white America was no longer blind to the inequities plaguing Black citizens.
Well, I already believe that everyone should be treated exactly the same and I talk about that all the time...
In fact, the reality is most of us still don’t see anything but the most blatant acts of anti-Black racism. We relegate our discriminatory beliefs and behaviors deep into the annals of the subconscious, so we don’t even have to think about them. We assume certain things about other races just like we assume that a package labeled with a skull and crossbones contains poison.
Here’s the kicker. MOST OF US DON’T EVEN KNOW WE ARE RACISTS.
It is so important to understand that being an unintentional racist doesn’t make us any less so. We may not wake up every day with the goal of perpetuating systemic discrimination or making a person of color feel less than. But whether or not we actively participate in this system, it continues autonomously.
Opinion time. I believe that most white folks and non-Black people of color are products of society. The heaviest burden we bear is our own ignorance. I think most of us want to be good people and genuinely believe we are. The majority of the people (of all races) in our lives would confirm our basic goodness. Hell, we probably actually are decent human beings. At the very least, our intentions are good.
But that was by May 24 standards. Today, it’s our inability to see passed good intentions that has made racism the most dangerous, most significant problem America faces.
But I have several Black friends and always make an effort to be inclusive...
It’s easy to flaunt all of the good we do on a daily basis. It’s much harder to expose the few misdeeds and try to be better. Especially when we’ve become so good at hiding them, even from ourselves.
And racial bias might be the hardest flaw to admit. Because it means we are not as evolved as we claim to be. It means we’ve set ourselves back pretty far. But to move forward again, we have to own up to the failings of before.
Racism is America’s original sin. It’s our shameful past. And it’s also a wrong that we can begin to make right. We do that by dropping the ignorance crutch and learning other ways to get from here to there.
Let me break it down for all of you.
For those of you who are religious folks, you can start by acknowledging and confessing your trespasses. Then ask forgiveness and change your ways.
Or maybe you relate more to all the multi-steppers out there. You will understand that the first step is admitting you have a problem. Make amends and commit to doing better, one day at a time.
Okay, so what if someone actually did need a little more information just to be sure they’re doing everything right? Asking for a friend...
Now the conversation has been started. You get to decide which of those four options above that you will choose in response. I encourage you all to avoid the easiest ones. I made my choice when I decided on this conversation. And yes, it was hard for me to pass over trusty number 1, too.
But can I suggest something crazy? Try number four. No, really.
Yeah, there is a lot to learn, and your education will never really be complete. But if we can abuse our bodies mercilessly and pretend that we love eating a handful of almonds for a snack, we can endure the discomfort of the race conversation. Besides, being racist is infinitely less attractive than being overweight.
Forget your pride. Forget that you have a master’s in astrophysics. Forget that you won the spelling bee in the sixth grade. Forget that you cook the most amazing homemade macaroni and cheese anyone has ever tasted (I just realized I’m starving).
This is the first day of kindergarten for all of us. If you made it this far, you’ve already learned the first lesson:
We need to talk race and racism in America.
We will continue our lessons next time we meet. Class dismissed!
